What am I doing

What am I doing. It's clear that right now they don't want to stick with me.

I dislike making friends. Especially over the internet. Of course they are real, but at the same time they're not here. Also mostly not in my timezone.

If anything happens, they can't help me immediately. I'm left to cope things on my own then. Which I'm okay with. But lately I just feel really lonely. Estranged from people.

It's clear that to focus on my studies (my grades are slipping... to hell) I need to end this farce and stop my online activities. Immediately. But at the same time, I also want to do things I love, which... Unfortunately requires people on the internet.

Boohoo, isn't that sad. Thing is, at the same time those very people on the internet used to gave me so much stress and triggered so much selfharming, I'm not sure if I want to continue.

They still do the same things that used to trigger selfharming with me, but I've gotten over the point of selfharming. It doesn't help me solve the solution, it makes me miserable and it doesn't contribute to the situation.

Alas I was clinging to offline people, I thought they were friends, but they... Are... Let's call them acquaintances and relations. They are not as close as I thought they would be, I feel betrayed, I feel upset, I feel abandoned.

(I do that a lot, I really want recognition. More than anyone else, I just want to be significant. To somebody. To be their Number 1. Which - when I crack - turns me into a manipulative monster. When I snap I do other things, but maybe this doesn't belong here.)

People won't stand up for me. Which is fine. It's not like I can make them join my camp anyway. In situations like those, I usually am the bad one, so even if I try to explain, they won't listen. So why even bother. They're not going to believe me anyway, and it will just tire me out, so no. I hate explaining things to begin with.

I thought I changed because I began to explain more than usual, but I'm still very conflicted about a lot of things. Mostly because I'm spacing out very often and I have recognitive problems with speech and behaviour. I'm very good at analyzing apparently though, since else I wouldn't be able to somehow conclude what triggers certain behaviours of mine. Which probably requires some intelligence.

Which is why some people say I'm arrogant. I'm not connecting things. Jumping to conclusions. I'm bitter. I'm pessimist. I'm negative. And I don't make sense.

Bitch please. It's just you don't want to listen. I can give you a piece of my logic and it'll work perfectly fine. My whole life I've been trying to explain things and stand up for myself only to be pushed down and beaten up over and over again. What's the point of explaining then? I really hate it. Since people won't listen to me anyway, why should I even bother. There's no point at all.

Of course, this is not how life is supposed to work. I'm trying to be more outgoing, but now I've met a point in which I'm not sure how to do things. It's clear I need to get away from the internet, but if real life people aren't amazeballs to you, you certainly look for an alternative: internet people. And what happens if internet people (whom you have been estranged from more and more to begin with) fight with you or projects don't work well? Yes, you go to real life people. (I do understand that I have to finish them though. I still want to.)

So pretty much, in the end, right now, I'm healing and I don't really know how to deal with people. I also seem to be quite adept in being a douchebag, an asshole and an awful, terrible person.

Well I don't know. But it's probably because I'm not really trying anymore. I just want everything to end at some point, although I do want to make things work, but seeing that most people don't really have attachment to me, I'll be better off disappearing in total.

I'm back in a depressive slump, but this one is more positive than before, since I'm actually trying to fix my life. Although I've been skipping out on my training lately, since my phone battery happens to run out as soon as I want to run which is not good. I need to somehow tell my sister to stop playing with it and then just leaving it there without charging. Yo, Kayo, this is not supposed to work like this.

I scratch your back, you scratch mine. Capice?

And here ends my long monologue about... Myself. Man this is some depressing stunt I've been pulling for the last months. And it got worse. Now I'm starting to see some light though, so yay?

Also I need to post something about anime or manga-.... Maybe.